The emotional effects of infertility on men and women.
Infertility is often a silent, isolating struggle. It is a journey that begins with hope but can feel endless, leaving those who face it in a quiet, invisible battle.
For many, infertility is not just a medical condition; it becomes an emotional and psychological burden, a grief that lingers long after the initial diagnosis.
The world around us is full of well-meaning advice, from stories of miraculous conceptions to casual comments about how "it will happen eventually" and "just do IVF." But these words often fall short, offering little comfort to those for whom the road to parenthood is not as simple or straightforward as they had hoped. There is also nothing simple about "just doing IVF"- it is limited, time consuming, heartbreaking and sometimes painful.
At the heart of infertility lies an intense desire to create life, to bring a new soul into the world, to experience the profound bond between parent and child. For those who struggle with infertility, this longing is not just a dream; it is a part of their identity, a hope woven into their very being from a young age. Some of my clients express that they have planned their whole life around one day being a parent, chosen careers and partners on that hope. Our own parents tell us " when you have children, you'll understand" - it is just assumed that we will one day be parents.
When that hope is not realised, it can feel as though a piece of the self is broken, as if the body has failed in the most fundamental way possible.
The experience of infertility often feels like a series of unspoken losses. There are the losses of expectations: the imagined moments of holding a newborn, of feeling a baby’s kick, of watching a child grow and learn. These dreams are lost not all at once, but slowly, in quiet moments of disappointment and pain. There are the losses of what could have been—holidays and birthdays spent without the child you longed for, milestones you had hoped to celebrate but now face alone. And there are the losses of intimacy—infertility can strain relationships, putting pressure on partners to find ways to stay connected, not just emotionally but also physically, as the act of making love becomes a clinical, scheduled task rather than an expression of love and affection.
For many, infertility also brings with it a sense of shame and self-blame. The questions swirl: “What did I do wrong?” “Why is my body failing me?” Society often places undue pressure on individuals to reproduce, framing parenthood as a natural part of life. When this doesn’t happen, it can feel as though something essential is missing, as if you are incomplete or broken. The stigma can be particularly pronounced for women, who are often made to feel that their worth is tied to their ability to have children. Men, too, can feel emasculated by infertility, as they struggle with the burden of expectations surrounding their role as fathers.
They can also feel utter horror at what their partner has to go through in order to try for a baby through IVF and the guilt that it's because of them.
Yet, infertility is not just a story of loss. It is also a story of resilience, of finding strength in the face of adversity. Those who walk this path often discover new depths of compassion, patience, and hope. They learn to redefine what it means to be a family, recognising that parenthood is not solely about biology but about love, commitment, and care. Many couples who face infertility will find ways to build families through adoption, surrogacy, or fostering, forging connections that transcend genetic ties. Others may choose to live child-free, discovering a different kind of fulfilment and joy in their lives.
Infertility also teaches us about the importance of community and support. It is a journey that can feel incredibly lonely, especially when others around you are conceiving effortlessly. But there is strength in shared experience. Talking openly about infertility—whether with loved ones, support groups, or healthcare professionals—can help break down the silence and the shame. There is power in knowing that you are not alone in your struggle, that others understand the depth of your pain and the complexity of your emotions. Infertility can create bonds that are deeper than those formed through common life experiences, as it demands vulnerability, honesty, and empathy.
For those who are struggling with infertility, it is important to acknowledge the grief. It is okay to mourn the loss of the dream you had for your family. It is okay to feel sadness, anger, frustration, and even jealousy. These emotions do not diminish you—they are a testament to the love you carry within you, to the dream that is still alive, even if it looks different than you imagined. It is also important to allow space for healing. The road through infertility is not linear, and there will be moments of hope and moments of despair. What matters most is finding the courage to continue walking, even when the future seems uncertain.
Infertility is a chapter of life that many wish they didn’t have to face, but for those who do, it is a journey that challenges our sense of self-worth, our dreams for the future, and our understanding of what it means to be a family. And in the midst of all the pain, it can also be a path to deeper love, resilience, and acceptance. In the end, infertility is not the end of the story—it is just another chapter in the unfolding narrative of life.
Kate Haskell MNCPS (Acc)
Counsellor
Providing support for all areas of mental health, with a focus on infertility and loss, maternal health, and parenting
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